Fatherhood is a delicate balance.
On one hand, if you want your children to love and trust you, if you want them to believe the things you believe, if you want them to be confident, if you want them to aspire, dream, imagine and have ambition, then you need to get down on the floor and play with them. You need to guide the imagined worlds of Power Rangers and stuffed kangaroos, Darth Vader and Hot Wheels. You need to help solve the mysteries of Legos construction, Legos Star Wars, and Spider-Man jigsaw puzzles.
On the other hand if you want your children to understand right from wrong, if you want them to obey you, if you want them to be safe from all of the dangers of stray dogs, traffic, fire, electrical outlets, strangers, gluttony, envy, pride, sloth, wrath, greed, lust, and other sins against themselves, sins against their family, society and God. If you want them to do the things that they should do and refrain from doing the things that they should not do, then you must discipline your children.
I have noticed that Christians tend to understand God in one of two ways. Either they see God as their Big Buddy, or they see Him as the nearly unapproachable Holy Creator of the Universe. Either He is their Life Coach and Guidance counselor, a Vending Machine with pockets full of toys and treats, or He is an angry old man with a white beard sitting on a majestic throne waiting to shoot lightening bolts out of His fingers at the first sign of defiance.
The truth is that God is neither of these extremes, but He is also both of these extremes.
When Jesus taught us to pray He told us to pray to our Father in Heaven. Daddy. Abba. A very intimate and personal God. Then He went on to say Hallowed be Your Name. Our loving Father in Heaven is also Holy, other, God almighty. He is both imminent and transcendent.
As fathers (and all of these principles apply to mothers as well) we must also be both near and far. We must be friends and playmates, we must come down into their world and give it shape and meaning, but we must also transcend their world to give it boundrys and direction. When our children laugh and dream, we should laugh and dream with them, we should find dragons in the clouds, joy in the beetles, adventures in the backyard and silliness in squarepants. But, when they turn defiant, when they grasp selfishly, when their play is tainted with the stench of sin, then the sky should go dark, the moon should turn to blood, the stars should fall from the sky and their little world should end in an apocalypse of Biblical proportions. Their little bottoms should be stricken with lighten bolts, there should be confession, absolution and restoration.
In other words, the playtime should be shared by dad, and dad should completely pour himself into it, but when the playtime goes bad (and it always does), dad should stop playing and address the problem. Right away. Boom. Fire and brimstone. Sin should have consequences when they are children so that they can learn that sin has consequences when they are older. You want to spank them when they reach for the fire, so that they never have to actually bear the scars of burning their hand. You are providing temporarily painful consequences to spare them from permanently damaging consequences.
There must be discipline. Spare the rod, spoil the child is not actually in the Bible, but there are many other verses that say similar things. If you love your children you will discipline them, if you do not discipline your children then you do not love them (that IS in the Bible). If we give up on disciplining our child, we give up on loving our child.
The way our children view God is directly impacted by the way they see their father. Is God a loving father? Kind? Near? Far? Transcendent? Imminent? Good? Bad? Does God give up on us when things get hard and move on to something (or someone) else? Is God a big pushover that just watches TV and gives us what we ask for so we’ll stop bugging him? How do you want your children to understand God, what kind of picture of God are you living for your children?
Be a daddy, and play with your children. Be a father and discipline your children. Raise your children to understand the fullness of God. In many ways, dad, it’s up to us.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:21 am
Hey Frank - good post and I agree. As a dad of three little ones, I try my best to find that balance each and every day. Many times the “play” role comes easier - I’m just a kid at heart, and other times (usually when I’m busy or being selfish) the “law” side takes more than its share. It’s our job (our duty) to find that good balance (and be consistent).
PS: I also think kids desire this type of parenting. If not, they spend too much time searching for the boundaries, for the details of the rules… Step up and show them the rules… inform them of the issues… put them on the right path… then get back to playing with them. Love them. Share with them.
Z
April 28th, 2008 at 8:08 am
You didnt say this explicitly but I think you would agree that one of the issues we get confused with in society and thus the church is that we get our definitions round the wrong way.
I think it was Freud that talked about the “God the Father” concept being our idealised conception of a father projected onto the sky. Another way of saying the same thing is that when we read the word father in the bible we invest in that word all of our own hopes, fears, desires, and prejudices.
The bible really works the other way around and so should we as fathers. The word father in the Bible is defined by God’s acts and their records in the Bible itslef. So, to turn your definition around, God defines Fatherhood with qualities of “abba” and qualities of “pursuing” or “punishing”, etc. We learn to be fathers (with a little f) when we watch our Father (with a big F) deal with his children in Israel.
After that we have to work our own path. That might be lego or it might be soccer or it might be (even) hunting. In either case we are asked to reflect our true Father in Heaven by our many acts of fatherhood here with our children.
April 28th, 2008 at 9:26 am
True, Doug. It must work both ways.
Our view of God the Father is shaped (or distorted) by the view we have of our father, and we must learn how to be fathers by getting to know our Heavenly Father through His Word. This informs how we father our children, and they learn a lot about God the Father through us. As they grow in their faith, they must also learn about their Heavenly Father through His Word, and help shape the view of God for their children.
May 15th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
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